Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
We're doing the donut challenge later. How many can we fit on his erect penis. Needless to say we get along well.
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
I'm pretty sure that waking up butt ass naked with a bottle of 151 and a note that said "I didn't want to wake you up, but thanks" proves I had a good time....god bless America
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
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