I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
i think this is the gayest thing you've ever shown me. and i'm pretty sure you've sent me pictures of a dude sticking his dick in a horse's nose.
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
So here I am, sexting at work.
Randomize
