My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
You said dick pics aren't attractive
Random ones, from strangers, no. But a beautiful penis I know and love, absolutely :3
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
I'm scared because his knowledge of star trek is turning me on
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
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