Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
Took off my bra at the laundry mat to throw it in I am officially white trash
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
Randomize
