Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
i had a headache and asked the kid next to me for aspirin. he gave me esctacy instead. gotta love college.
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
Well u missed Autumn's newly 21 yrs old sister flashing her tits and standing on the bar last night.
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
It is not a successful senior year unless you show up to campus without pants at least once, right?
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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