he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
just when i thought i had forgotten how badthe sex was he comes across campus solely to say hi
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
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