I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
Someone wrote Kyle's bitch on me too. I dont even know who Kyle is.
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
She just causally held my limp dick in her hand the entire movie. Her parents were cuddling on the couch too..that brave!
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
