I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
Randomize
