It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
out of nowhere you said let us see your boobs, then proceeded to pull my shirt down.
i gets down
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
do you think women who transgender themselves have the option of getting a circumcised or an uncircumcised dick?
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
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