brass monkey on radio. cant stop dancing.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
It's rum buckets o'clock
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
Randomize
