I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
Keep in mind that he's 43, unemployed and living with his parents. There's really not much we could do to make his life worse.
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
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