I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
And i didn't ask you to do that, You showed your penis at your own free will.
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
Cops just came and got two guys out of my class. I can't do college. Seriously cannot rage at this school anymore.
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
Randomize
