He disabled his match.com account in front of me
i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
Randomize
