i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
his logic is that since hes already cheated on her w me its doesnt count
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
I think our prof has caught onto our drinking game. He burst into the room with a big smile on his face and yelled "essentially! Essentially! Essentially!"
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
I also woke up in a guys bed in a Reptar shirt yesterday morning staring at a movie theater sized poster of the not as popular Air Bud franchise movie Super Buddies.
Randomize
