His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
Yo plow her in the living room were all outside tommy wants to see
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
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