Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
You almost make it sound as if getting an education to further your career is more important than beer and tacos.
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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