I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
Randomize
