Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
Freshman ate returning to campus. Let Operation Slut Storm commence.
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
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