I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
His mom finally got over her shame and smoked a bowl with us. Merry Christmas to all aka me.
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
Randomize
