Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
Randomize
