he had two deer mounted on his dorm room wall with panties and bras hanging from the antlers... i cant believe i contributed to bambi's headgear...
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
Please don't give away my fajitas
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
Randomize
