i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
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