he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
Randomize
