Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
Eh maybe I should give her a chance. Let's see where making a porno takes the friendship
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
Randomize
