You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
Randomize
