i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
My gyno told me the birth control she prescribed reduces sex drive
wats the point then?
what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
If you don't sleep with him after showing him your thong with the bow, I am no longer on your side.
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
Randomize
