Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
All four of us managed to throw up in the same bathroom at different times during the night. I think we'll get along great living together.
judging by the mobile uploads you added of me last night, we cant keep living this way.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
Randomize
