...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
i think my mom watched the whole time
P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
