I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
Please explain to me why I only attract Mormon guys. Just explain that to me.
I think it's God trying to counter your lustful nature. Imagine if Agnostics liked you. You'd never come out of your bedroom.
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
this mix will be the most desperate cry for affection in the history of itunes.
He came in asked for the bathroom and came out 10 minutes later dripping wet took his redbull and left.
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
this party is nice, but i have to go home and cry over anime in order to fill my daily quota of suffering
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
Randomize
