We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
Randomize
