He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
Taking body shots off hot Camren. Get here now.
He's getting so into these sexts, I hate to tell him I'm fully clothes, watching Bring It On and eating chips and salsa.
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
Randomize
