quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
I knew no one else would have gone along with it since it's morally wrong and probably illegal. You said, "Yes. And let's add fireworks."
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
Just because you are home alone for the weekend doesn't mean you can act like a nudist.
I accept your opinion but respectfully disagree. Also, I'm sitting in your chair.
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
Randomize
