First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
I wish there was some sort of "recently added" function for blackberrys so i could see what random numbers i got from the night before
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
She's better-looking with the mask on.
Randomize
