today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
Randomize
