Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
I just hope when I turn 21, it doesn't tank my entire semester.
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
Randomize
