Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
