Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
You were pretty fucked up... decided playing hopscotch down the stairs was an excellent idea.. it was extremely entertaining
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
Nothing like a little anal leakage to start off Sunday morning. Can't decide if that speaks well of my weekend or not...
That would explain his violent outburst while watching barefoot contessa...
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
I'm sorry but if you can talk well enough to critique his oral game, he clearly needs the pointers.
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
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