I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
Randomize
