she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
what, no i told him that it wasnt nessesary to put all 5 fingers in my vagina
I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
Randomize
