I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
first thing my tuition money buys is a strap on
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
I was looking at our sex bingo and pretty much every single row or column has at least one kind of person that is harder to find than all the rest
We've made things harder for ourselves
The struggle will be part of the fun
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
Randomize
