Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
Randomize
