I'm sorry my penis didn't work
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
HE HAS CHALLENGED MY BADNESS. I MUST CONQUER ALL THAT QUESTIONS MY POWER. BRING FORTH THE TIT PICS.
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
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