I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
Wow just saw this. Nothing like a little anal sex to ring in 2012.
And now she's hand feeding me pork rines and showing me her angry birds high scores. This is Vegas.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
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