My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
I just watched some guy take a shot of jack Daniels, chase it with a shot of ciroc & then violently rip his pants off. You have to come here.
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
Randomize
