3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
i'm touring the leper colony via mapquest street view so we dont have to go there
somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
Randomize
