This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
I can't put those talents on a resume
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
Randomize
