I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
Just had my first american. He tasted like freedom.
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
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