just shaved my legs at the gas station bathroom before going to the club. is that too ghetto?
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
The Olympian is in my bed
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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