dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
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