He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
officially hit rock bottom.. been yelling through the vent in my room to my little brother trying to convince him to get me water for the past two hours. i fear feeling the full effect of my hangover if i stand.
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
Randomize
