I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
As soon as I saw the video camera and red light on, I started rolling my eyes when he would put it in me and telling him maybe his dick was too small cause I didn't feel anything...trust me that tape is going nowhere
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
Randomize
