dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
I don't care how bad it tastes, i just put it in my mouth and deal with it
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
he stopped talking to me, quit his job, moved out of the province and then told me it was "no big" when I called him apologizing...
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
Randomize
